I don't sit down and just think about deep things, about the meaning of life, or about the reasons behind things. I can't process things by just thinking to myself - I need to talk with other people and hear their opinions, in order to formulate my own. (On the rare occasions that I do think, it is very rational, planned, organized, and purposeful.)
I am also not a dreamer. My imagination is very small, if it exists at all. I don't sit down and just dream up stories of the past or elaborate plans for the future, in my head. (When I do dream it is usually based off of someone else's ideas, usually pretty short, and/or usually boring.)
I am a lover. I love people. (And not "people" as a general word for population or group, but people as in the plural of person.) I love to love on people. I love including people and making them feel comfortable. I love hanging out with people: getting to know them - showing them that I love them - investing in them - laughing with them - listening to them - sharing with them - celebrating their lives.
I think what naturally comes with being a lover, is the desire to be loved. And when I say desire, I don't mean that it's all I strive for or that it is what my life/joy depends on, but that I want others to reciprocate the love that I pour into them, because I don't really understand thinkers or dreamers, so I subconsciously expect people to be lovers too and to want to love others as well. And I think that that is often a fault of mine, because I allow myself to be crushed when things go wrong, especially with relationships that are very close to me.
This past year, a few of my closest relationships fell to shambles and I was devastated. I think it was a result of being a girl, although it could be other things, but I naturally blamed myself. When I think about it though, all of them, including the two closest, that hurt me the most, had little to do with me, but more with the other people's actions/reactions. I'm not saying that I am without fault or blame in any of these situations, but that I did as much as I could to healthily maintain and restore these relationships, but to little or no avail. And in all of the relationships that drifted away this past year, which are mainly where my parents' live now, it is hard for me to go back and be around those people who I used to be so closed to. My heart just hurts.
Being out here in Colorado is so good for me though. Because so many people here, both girls and boys, even if they aren't lovers like me, pour Christ's love into me. And I have just felt so drained and empty for so long, from pouring love into others this past year, but having very little poured back into me. This past year was so hard, and it wasn't until recently that I realized that this was one of the main reasons why. And even though living out here and working on the river is so hard and tiring and draining, it is good. God is teaching me so much through pain, but also through the love that others have been bestowing upon me.
Well, those are just some words.
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