So Big Surprise

Well I was thinking the other day, and I realized that I am not a thinker.

I don't sit down and just think about deep things, about the meaning of life, or about the reasons behind things. I can't process things by just thinking to myself - I need to talk with other people and hear their opinions, in order to formulate my own. (On the rare occasions that I do think, it is very rational, planned, organized, and purposeful.)

I am also not a dreamer. My imagination is very small, if it exists at all. I don't sit down and just dream up stories of the past or elaborate plans for the future, in my head. (When I do dream it is usually based off of someone else's ideas, usually pretty short, and/or usually boring.)

I am a lover. I love people. (And not "people" as a general word for population or group, but people as in the plural of person.) I love to love on people. I love including people and making them feel comfortable. I love hanging out with people: getting to know them - showing them that I love them - investing in them - laughing with them - listening to them - sharing with them - celebrating their lives.

I think what naturally comes with being a lover, is the desire to be loved. And when I say desire, I don't mean that it's all I strive for or that it is what my life/joy depends on, but that I want others to reciprocate the love that I pour into them, because I don't really understand thinkers or dreamers, so I subconsciously expect people to be lovers too and to want to love others as well. And I think that that is often a fault of mine, because I allow myself to be crushed when things go wrong, especially with relationships that are very close to me.

This past year, a few of my closest relationships fell to shambles and I was devastated. I think it was a result of being a girl, although it could be other things, but I naturally blamed myself. When I think about it though, all of them, including the two closest, that hurt me the most, had little to do with me, but more with the other people's actions/reactions. I'm not saying that I am without fault or blame in any of these situations, but that I did as much as I could to healthily maintain and restore these relationships, but to little or no avail. And in all of the relationships that drifted away this past year, which are mainly where my parents' live now, it is hard for me to go back and be around those people who I used to be so closed to. My heart just hurts.

Being out here in Colorado is so good for me though. Because so many people here, both girls and boys, even if they aren't lovers like me, pour Christ's love into me. And I have just felt so drained and empty for so long, from pouring love into others this past year, but having very little poured back into me. This past year was so hard, and it wasn't until recently that I realized that this was one of the main reasons why. And even though living out here and working on the river is so hard and tiring and draining, it is good. God is teaching me so much through pain, but also through the love that others have been bestowing upon me.

Well, those are just some words.

So Sometimes Pictures Fail

I had today off, so after I did a bunch of not very important things, I went on a bike ride to my new favorite place in BV. This was my second time to go here, and it is such a great place to just sit and think. It is ridiculously wonderful. It is absolutely beautiful - out in the country, overlooking a field where 4 horses live, with the collegiate peaks in the background. It is quiet, and it just radiates God's beauty. I don't even like horses (I'm actually quite terrified of them), but those fears just fade away when I go here. I took some pictures this afternoon, but I don't feel as if they did it nearly enough justice. But here some of them are:

So Maybe It's a Rollercoaster

Well this past week has been a little different.

A couple of days ago I was really just overwhelmed with this whole past year. Since I left for college last August, I have been stretched, pushed, and several times even defeated and crushed in every single area of my life. Physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, relationally - everything. So many changes. I went to a brand new school, 4 hours away from my parents and friends, where I knew no one - I took harder classes than I had ever taken before - several relationships in my life went from amazing to completely sucking - I came to Colorado where I basically knew no one - I became a river guide, which is extremely physically demanding - not to mention tendonitis, stitches, and a bunch of little things that add up very quickly. And I am honestly just exhausted - worn out - broken - empty. And the reality of that just came crashing down the other day. I talked to my brother, who experienced basically the same thing a year or two ago, and it was so nice. I ended up purposefully just hanging out and doing nothing all day (I had the day off). I embroidered a dolphin onto a t-shirt for SB while I watched a movie, then I went for a 3 - 3.5 mile run. And then I talked to my parent's for a while, and I went to bed relatively early (1030ish).

I woke up the next morning feeling so much better. I had a whole new outlook on this summer and this upcoming year. Even though this time in my life just sucks sometimes, if not most of the time, it's the only way to grow. And it's how God shows me that He's sufficient - his grace is new every morning - his steadfast love never fails.

Anyways, today just may be the best day ever. I checked out this morning (meaning that I had my first commercial trip and I passed), so I am now officially a guide. Jeff was in the boat right in front of me, and Matt Wertz was in our pod, so I performed my bus safety talk for him. And then I had lunch, hang out with some girls at the Red, and then went to New Bee's (a thrift store in town), and found a puffy vest. Now long story short - I have been looking for a puffy vest all summer. Of course I am very picky about it and I did not want to spend $100+ on the Patagonia one that is the most appealing to me, so this vest is perfect, for now. The one I got today is navy blue, with a zipper, but also snaps, and also pockets on the side. And it was $2. No big deal.

Oh, here are some pictures from the past week.

Drew Holcomb and I holding my trophy.

Ladies. And Khavari.

Me and Jeff, before my first commercial.

Jordan and I in matching onesies.

So Wow

Well this is just fantastic:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness! "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

-Lamentations 3:22-26

So It was No Big Deal

Well I am known to have weird injuries. Usually for stupid reasons, and almost always just bad enough to kill, but just superficial enough to not need to go to the hospital. But today trumps them all.

But to rewind: this morning we didn’t have to be at Noah’s until 9:15. It was so nice. I got to sleep in until 8. Then we did a couple lessons, and we only went down the river once. We did one more lesson after that, and then we had dinner. At dinner, I sat next to Shawn who mentioned the Hot Springs. Now today was cold and rainy all day, plus we were wet from the river, so the Hot Springs, which is a couple different naturally heated pools (between 90˚F and 105˚F water), sounded amazing. I debated in my mind, because it takes so much energy to change my clothes. But I decided to go. And that’s where the incident occurred.

I was climbing out of the 102˚F to walk to the 90˚F pool because I was ridiculously hot. Well, I pushed off the bottom and pushed up onto my arms, just like I usually do. I put my foot up on the side, just like I usually do. But this time, because the side was so wet, my foot slipped and I nailed my shin, like I have done many times before. So I push off my shin, hop up, act like nothing happened, and keep walking over to the cooler pool. However, I look down and see blood pouring out of my leg, covering my foot. I think to myself, “That is bad news – that is not normal.” So I casually cover over the wound and walk over to sit down. But when I uncover my hand, I glance down and see my bone. Yeah, no big deal. Just my bone. There was about a quarter of an inch puncture wound, and when I moved it around, I could see my sinews, fibers, and tibia. Surprisingly, it did not hurt that badly. Only the giant goose-egg above the puncture wound hurt, and not even that badly. Thankfully, almost all of the people I was with were Wilderness Advanced First Aid certified, and a couple of them were even EMT’s. So one or two of the guys assessed the scene, covered it over, and applied pressure. Praise the Lord Jeff was there, so he called my dad and together they decided that I needed to go to the ER. So that’s where I am headed now – in the back of Shawn’s car, with him and Jeff, on the way to the ER. I will update after. Maybe even during. We’ll see.

On a scale of 1 to getting hit by a semi, I’m at about a puncture wound exposing the bone. So hopefully they have some pain killers for me.

Ok, two stitches later, I am home. It was so fun. I watched the whole thing. It was so cool! And Jeff and Shawn are angels and came with me and helped so much.

Story over.

So It's 4,500.

Well the rocks are over. Praise the Lord. On the third day of rocks training, I was repelling for my friend, Drew, as he practiced belaying. And before I walked off the edge of the 60 ft cliff, I said to him and to Will, our instructor, "Hey, guys, the rope is sort of stuck on a ledge a few feet down the cliff.." and they said "Oh, don't worry about it. It'll work itself out as you go down." So I walked closer towards the edge. Then I looked again at the rope. "Guys, it really is caught on that ledge." "Don't worry about it. Go ahead and start repelling." Trusting them, I walk off the edge. When I'm about 20 ft down the mountain I just stop. My rope is stuck. On what? That ledge. So I sat there, suspended 50 ft off of the ground. After about 5 minutes, someone on the ground had to get the end of the rope out of a bush, and I had to manually pull the rope off of the ledge, so I could go down.

Funny story: the very next day, I was repelling for Drew, again, with Will instructing, again. I'm about 20 ft down the cliff, again, and I come to a swift halt, again. But this time, it was because my hair got stuck in the figure 8 that we use to repel. After about 5 minutes, again, I was able to lower myself down the rope. But this time, I had a handful of hair. And not like an infant sized handful - a large handful of hair all about 8 inches long. I now have a bald spot. But thankfully, the hair on the side of my head covers it up.

But either way. We went back on the river yesterday and the day before. 3 trips a day. Triple dipping. The water was at 4,500 cfs. That is 10 times higher than the first time I went on the river. It is huge. HUGE.

Today was our first day off in almost 2 weeks. It was so nice. My cell group spent the night at the Poremba's cabin, and it was fantastic. I slept until 9 o'clock. It was wonderful. And the bed I slept in was the most comfortable bed I've slept in in years. Later in the day, I went with 6 other girls to Leadville, CO (trivia: Leadville is the highest city in the United States, at an elevation of 10,152 ft). We walked around and went to several different consignment/thrift stores and then to the Melanzana store. I found a pair of almost brand new Salomon's for $15, to use on the river. No big deal.

Annnd that's about all I have to say. No major words. Nothing interesting happens around here. I don't even have any pictures for today. Boring.

So It's a Little Rocky

Well, for the past 2 days, we've taken a break from the river and we've been doing rocks training. "Rocks" is a very deceiving word though. To define it for you, I will use a few words: climbing up a rock and thorn-bush covered mountain at a 60ish degree angle up to a ledge that leads to a ledge and a cliff that is about 70 ft off of the ground. One word - terrifying. However, it is gorgeous from the top of the cliff. You can see a beautiful mountain range, the river, the valley, and part of the town from up top. I took my camera up there yesterday, and I managed to get some pretty sweet pictures. Also, it has been nice just to sit and hang out and talk, instead of always rushing or paddling or freezing, like we do during river training.

Here are a few of my pictures from yesterday. And of course I brought my trophy.

Also, last night was the first of the boys' softball games. Although Jeff fired me from being the team mom, and did not allow me to bring orange slices and Capri Sun's, I brought my camera and took a bunch of pictures. So here are some of those: